How Did I Get Here

I was a caregiver for my dad for several years. He was a physically strong and healthy man for most of his life. He was not one of those people who would sit down and let the days just go idly by.

He would get up around 4 a.m., go collect cans and bottles, and return home after an hour or so. He would then make his breakfast, prepare coffee for me (I lived in the apartment next to him) and then leave for work. He was in his late 70’s when he started to show signs of memory loss. He also began to have heart health issues at around 80. After his triple bypass in his early 80’s his memory got progressively worse. I do not think I need to explain the challenges that come with caring for a parent with dementia or Alzheimer.

Dementia. Alzheimer. Frightening to contemplate but I had to consider it when I noticed there were signs that my memory was not what it used to be. Of course, memory issues are normal as we get older. But when I could not formulate my thoughts, when I was unable to do my journaling because even simple sentences were difficult, I knew I had to find out what was going on with me. I would read and was unable to retain what I read. I would lose my trend of thought.

I went to see a Neurologist. I had a few head injuries from falls and walking into poles when I was growing up and joked that the “bumps” must have rattled my brain. I had some tests done and was finally prescribed medication for my memory in late 2018.

I did notice my memory was not getting worse, which was a good thing. But I did notice a couple of things happening. I have a close relative that would come to me with questions or ask me to help explain something that required me to formulate sentences. It was not hard. It was simple for me to help in this way. I was encouraged by this observation. The other thing I noticed was something that had been quietly, unnoticeably happening. I was becoming increasingly withdrawn from socializing. This made me wonder if I was suffering from depression and did not realize.

A few months ago, during a follow up visit with the neurologist, I questioned if it was possible for me to have depression, not be aware of it and have it affect my memory. Yes, of course, it could. He gave me a referral to the Neuropsychologist for testing. I am currently waiting for those weeks. Hopefully, I will get the results by the end of the week.

I have for the past few weeks been researching and learning more about my emotions. I am excited about what I have learned so far. To date I have learned how little I know about emotions. So, I will go forward, risk being confused, frustrated, upset, even angry. I also know I will learn to understand and work with my emotions so that they benefit me and not hinder me.

I will share more about this in future posts.