Month: November 2024

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Civility: Part Four – Engagement and Listening (or Thanksgiving and Gratitude)

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It is November 25th, just three days before Thanksgiving Day. I am hoping, whether you have read my previous posts, that many of you have taken the opportunity to lean into the meaning of Thanksgiving and have been reminiscing about past gatherings with family and/or friends on previous Thanksgiving Days.

Over the past 8-10 years many of us have allowed the political and religious rhetoric to become heated to the point that each one’s opinion became more important than personal relationships. The true meaning of family and friendship have become obscured or pushed aside because of our own stubbornness. Our need to be right at any cost seems to replace respect and generosity.

Family, as defined by the dictionary is, “a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit.”  Of course, as the child/ren age, they will become independent and leave home. Yet they are still part of the “family.” Also, outside the immediate family unit, are aunts, uncles, and cousins that are part of the family.

Family is supportive of each other. They share a bond that is unique from all others. From early childhood we are exposed to family members. Shared moments included dinners, stories, laughter and, like most families I know, a little bickering. Family helps each other, when necessary, often without hesitation. Has any of this changed during the past 8-10 years? Think, reflect before answering this: do you miss those times when you got together and loved each other?

Think about this: when in the past have you seen all these family members agree on everything? Was there a time when family or friends had different views on your opinion or your actions? Did they push you away? After getting over the frustration or anger, were you able to come together accepting that each one saw things differently? Did you find a way to manage to enjoy your time with them? Or…was your love conditional?

We need to get back to those family and friends who encouraged, inspired, and supported us in the past. It is important to acknowledge that we each were given a free will by God to think, believe, and make choices that are our own.

Engagement

One part of the Civility Webinar deals with engagement.

One of the definitions of engagement (Merriam Webster) is “an arrangement to meet at or be present at a specific time and place.”

For family and friends this could be a birthday party, wedding, anniversary, or any of the holidays that are important to us. These shared moments are still in our hearts and memories. Today, this week, would be a perfect time to bring these memories to the surface. Allow the feelings and love infuse our heart with joy, compassion and understanding. Bask in the joy we felt when surrounded by so much love that was unconditional.

Thanksgiving, an action that became a special holiday, was conceived to bring together two diverse cultures: Native Americans (Wampanoag people) and the English Purist known as Pilgrims in 1621 during the harvest festival.

On October 3, 1789, President George Washington designated the last Thursday of November as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer. It was not consistently celebrated until President Abraham Lincoln officially established it in 1863 as a national tradition/holiday.

A little side note here. Notice that President Lincoln declared Thanksgiving a national holiday during the civil war. The political and religious differences were at a level that filled with violence. Brother against brother, parent against child. The rift must have seemed insurmountable. Yet, both Presidents Washington and Lincoln believed that a way to show gratitude for the blessings they had was to have a day of thanksgiving.

Eventually both the North and South states implemented the national holiday. I am sure, because of their mutual love, many of the family and friends’ separations healed over time. It is safe to say that Thanksgiving and Christmas were holidays that allowed people to begin the healing process. Now is the time for us to begin to heal our relationships.

Why not start today? If you are experiencing a rift between family and/or friends, reach out to them. It can be a simple text or card wishing them a Happy Thanksgiving and adding one or two sentences (e.g., “Been remembering past Thanksgiving gatherings when wonderful times were shared.”) Today, choose love to guide your next steps.

To Listen

This section of the Civility Webinar is titled, To Listen. “To” in this case is a proposition. The dictionary defines it as “approaching or reaching a particular condition.”

What better time than now to start moving towards rebuilding relationships.

It’s funny that as I am writing this, I am thinking about those friends, from my past that I have not been in contact with for years. Many of them I would not even know how to reach out to them. I think about them often. Friends from middle and high school or people who I worked with who became friends over time. I was fortunate to spend years in three different jobs (5 years, 26 and 18 years) where co-workers transitioned to friends.

If you are ready to reach out to your estranged family and friends, there are things to remember. Take the first step to reconnecting with them.

  1. Start by allowing yourself to take the time to review your past with your family members. Begin with your teenage years and remember what it was like being with them. Did you share secrets? Did you argue about what shows to watch, what movie theatre to go to or did you agree to see different movies within the same theatre? How was it afterwards? Did you compare notes?
  2. Now, recall the shared good times What about your young adult years? How did you celebrate special occasions with them? Birthdays, showers, weddings, or the birth of a child are occasions we all get to celebrate at some point. Where were the celebrations held? Did you gather at a club, a restaurant, or at someone’s home?
  3. Close your eyes and recall some of those conversations, the atmosphere and especially the emotions during and after you finally arrived home.
  4. There is much to be discouraged about modern technology, but there is so much to be grateful for as well. Begin the uncomplicated way to reach out to them to let them know you are remembering the happy times. This can be done via text or sending a card if calling them feels awkward at this moment. Include a specific time or event. With social media you also have the choice of reaching out to them via Messenger. Choose the option with which you are most comfortable.

Also keep your words about the memories you have shared with each other simple and authentic.

Wishing you all a have a healing and happy Thanksgiving Week.

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Civility: Part Three – Politeness and Respect

As I have mentioned in my other posts, these are my thoughts, what I believe and what I have learned. In sharing, I hope to provide some a perspective in healing and growing.

In my last blog post, which was the day before election day, I wrote about taking the time to relax, breathe and discern. It was a week where emotions were all over the place. It is now just over a week since the Election Day, and I see comments on social media that many are now experiencing new emotions on top of the ones they had the previous weeks and months. So, I will refer to one or two suggestions from my first Civility blog post on October 16, 2024.

In early October after taking part in the Civility Webinar, I took time to do some prep work to find a way to a more authentic relationship with everyone. Not just family, friends, co-workers, etc. but with everyone I meet. I fell into the drama of the political environment and understood the effect it had on my emotional, spiritual, and mental state. I took specific steps to return to someone who looks at everyone as people who want the best for ourselves, our families/friends, community, and our country.

My recommendation is to stop seeing anyone who has a different view as an opponent or enemy because of religious/political. Unfortunately, that is where so many of us. We need to move toward healing, mending our strained relationships, bringing compassion and, if necessary, forgiveness to anyone we believe offended or hurt us. This requires generosity. mercy and support where needed.

  1. “Mute” your family/friends and followers on social media that post comments that upset you. It is not necessarily beneficial to see those posts. It is their right to post them, but your choice can be to not see them.
  2. A practice of mine has been to stay off social media (except for my morning greetings to all) on Sunday. I included Saturdays. I honestly recommend taking a day off social media and replenishing your mind and soul.

Now that I have provided a quick review of my first two posts, I will continue with Politeness and Respect.

I will begin with definitions that I found on google that felt right for this blog.

Politeness is outward behavior during personal interactions. It includes good manners and adhering to social conventions.

Respect acknowledges that you see others’ dignity and have a genuine interest in engaging others authentically.

A quote from Evelyn Hall says it all: “I disapprove of what you say. But I will defend it to the death your right to say it.”  We all need to accept this as it applies to every one of us. I think one of the best ways to begin is avoid reaction while in that moment of “personal judgment emotion” that is reflective of your belief. Allow time to calm your thoughts and feelings. Remember what your relationship was and is with that individual.

I often reflect on my past with family and friends. A time when politics, religions and peer pressure had no influence on our relationship.

I have family members who have a completely different political view/opinion. They also have a different understanding of what it means to follow Christ. In fact, for most people, the type of differences in these two areas becomes a reason to break the sacredness of family that our parents taught us.

Honestly, I do not understand this. Both my parents did not agree on many things. There was one thing that no-one, ideology, or physical distance could come between them. They were there for each other. In good times, challenging times and when tragedy struck.

Do you know the best thing about that type of relationship? It was always full of love, generosity, and gratitude. That is what I carry with me.

I try to extend this lesson to those outside my family as well.  This allows me to be more patient, kind and loving.

I can be polite with everyone I meet. I can respect them as individuals. I can love them as I see them as children of God and so we are spiritual siblings.

Now, I will insert here a bit of honesty. My close friends and family know that I have a sarcastic side to me. Over the years I cultivated that skill. It was my way of avoiding being rude with belittling or cuss words. Over the past 15 years or so I have learned to control that side of me. However, every now and then it does slip out. It has helped me to be more respectful of others.

Take time now to think about your relationships with family and friends. Now that the elections are over, how are they? Do you still feel anger, disappointment, frustration with any of them?

Take a moment now to breathe deeply and think about your past with them. Recall the wonderful times you spent with them. The times you were together, can you recall the love and joy you felt? Do you see periods in your past when you disagreed with them and still kept a great relationship with them?

Do you yearn for a time when your relationship with family and friends was easy going?

If so, work on healing the relationship. Take the time necessary to put a process in place that you are comfortable with and be patient. We have had years to reach the point we are currently at. Be loving and generous to yourself and others.

If not, take time with yourself to mend your heart and mind. To deal with the emotional roller coaster that has been part of the past few years. When you feel you are ready then you can move forward to healing your relationships.

Have a blessed day.

Click here to view the Civility Webinar

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Civility A New Blog Series: Part Two: Time to Breathe, Relax, and Discern

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Tomorrow is election day. Please take the time to Breathe, Relax and Discern

I wanted to post my second part to Civility several days ago. I had to take time to reflect more carefully as I noticed the rhetoric consisting of demeaning, belittling, false accusations of individuals seemed to increase. Of late there has been an increase in demeaning cultures, most especially non-white countries. 

There was a comment made to the effect that America has become a trash can from an individual who has said that immigrants are poisoning this country. A comedian who recently commented that Puerto Rico was a “floating island of garbage.” He felt his comments were acceptable (since the campaign had the chance to vet his jokes) and allowed it to be added to the teleprompter. I read that this person was going to call VP Harris the “C” (not communism) word but that a bit too far for them. There were other jokes and comments from others that belittled other ethnic groups. Several speakers used disgusting adjectives when talking about certain individuals or political groups. There is no bottom for these individuals.

Then a certain individual at a rally decided to simulate oral sex with the help of his microphone and then hand. This shocked me.

You know what shocked and disgusted me more? How the audience laughed at the action. They laughed at all the jokes. 

This so outraged my senses that being civil with anyone who joined in this horrific behavior was not my first instinct. My first instinct was to confront and insult with some vulgar language. But having gotten into the habit of stepping back and reflecting I was able to calm down.

I recalled those times when I was one of those people who joined the group that would belittle and demean a person or group as a teenager and young adult. It was moments when peer pressure took over and impaired my judgment and compassion. Moments when love and grace should have given me the strength to speak up and condemn such behavior I succumbed to not “fitting in.”

With the above thoughts I have decided that I can and will have civil discussions with these individuals when I can. I do not have to comment or feel the need to reprimand anyone for their behavior. I am not their mother, father, sibling, pastor, priest. I will leave their moral behavior to their parents and religious leaders. 

I can express that I was personally offended by the behavior. Then go about talking as if it is a settled matter. What they felt at the time or feel in the aftermath is for them and their conscience.

I’m not sure if this helps anyone who was as enraged as I was. I hope it does. We all need to have a sense of peace within our soul. We deserve the joy and peace that God has offered everyone.

Have a blessed day.