Millie Padilla

It’s Lent a time when many of us have been encouraged to give up something as a sacrifice, add or increase personal service to others, and in recent years, change our thoughts and/or behavior towards those who we do not agree with, or at worse, bring out the worse in us.

These are all great to consider for Lent.  But this year I have had a very difficult time being inspired or motivated by these options.  For me, after doing it for a couple of years, it becomes something I do without any or much resistance or motivation.  So I did not choose one but instead thought about it for a few days. (I really should have started to consider what I would do 1-2 weeks before lent. I didn’t)

This morning as I was meditating the idea of renewal came to me.  I was a bit hesitant, and am still mulling the how of it, I thought, why not. I am just going to have a little faith and believe that as I write the “how” will to come to me (please, God!).

Webster’s Dictionary defines renewal as: the quality or state of being renewed.  Well, for most of us it’s winter and many of us are feeling the effects of the cold weather and/or snow.  I am looking forward to Spring, a time when many flowers begin to bloom.

How am I connecting renewal and Lent? For me is living the days during Lent to renew all areas of my life, especially my spiritual and emotional areas. I want to ready when Spring comes that my mind, body and spirit are ready to fully embrace to take advantage of the weather. For example:

-Walking around a labyrinth while praying and/or meditating is a way to begin if only done weekly. Shorter walks to meditate can be done on other days.

-When doing mundane tasks, acknowledge a benefit to the task and be grateful for the opportunity to get the task done.

-Whether eating a meal, snack, or having a beverage think about who and what helped to get this to your store. 

-When connecting with family, friends and community and sharing a positive compliment.

For me, as I am easily overwhelmed, I will add to my to-do list and/or calendar some or all of the above. I will note a day of the week, time and for how long. 

I’m Back! I will keep this post short.

It’s been about 10 weeks since my last post.  One of the reasons was the 2-3 weeks of consistent extreme heat.  It did take its toll on my health. My recovery from that took a few more weeks.  My energy level was extremely low and pain was also a factor.

But I am back and have decided to take a different approach for my blog posts.

If I feel the need to write what is happening with my physical or mental health I will. I do believe sharing my experiences may – or may not – help others. At the very least it will let others know they are not alone.

Other times I will post what is currently on my mind, with the intention of providing others to think about being open to a different perspective or to expand their view. With that mind, here goes.

My Cup Runneth Over or My Cup Overflows

I came across this meme a week ago and it stayed with me. I started to about the phase: “runneth over” and “overflows.”

I will say here that when I see two words that many take as have the same meaning, I don’t. My mind often connects images with words. Like most people, a part of me thinks visually. That’s what happened with these two words.

When I read or hear “runneth” my mind sees it as “running away.” Running away fast! Whether it’s water, pebbles, or people.  For me it has a more negative meaning. Even a song, (and I can’t remember the title) with the lyrics, “run to him” has a connotation of subjugation. This might be due to cultural influences or life experiences.

Even the spiritual perspective has a negative indication. Most people will find that thought strange because it well known verse from Psalms. My “feeling” associated with that visual of runneth, to me, is losing some of God’s blessings and grace because my goodness or heart is not big enough.

But the word “overflows” brings a completely different vision.  It’s a cup full of wonderful things that flows gently over rim, spreading across the environment. If it’s water, it gently nourishes the earth. If its pebbles, they are gently rowing down a hill where children play and can be collected to exchange and share. If it’s people, they are helping my cup to overflow so I have even more to share.

Please don’t hesitate to share your thoughts in the comments below.

It’s been a few weeks since I have made a blog post. The excessive heat got the better of me and I encountered challenges to getting even the simplest task done. Since my early teens summer has been challenging for me. I had to be careful when I was outside as becoming lightheaded and dizzy was an issue. It still is.

As someone who suffers from Fibromyalgia, the summer season can be challenging. With the excessive heatwave we have had, (I live in Tucson), the Fibromyalgia has been intensive. Fatigued was overwhelming almost everyday the temperatures were over 100. The heatwave lasted for 2-3 weeks straight so it’s taking time to recover.

Another thing I learned was that in excessive weather depression can be exasperated. This helps me to understand why, during the excessive heatwave, not only was my fatigue an issue, but why I did not want to even do anything.

In the past few days, I have been able to accomplish some things. Not to the level it was before the heatwave, but it’s a start.

I would highly recommend that anyone who has felt a difference in how they feel physically, mentally, and emotionally, get help.

I am keeping this post short. I’m hoping, praying really, that by next week I will be able to have a topic and share more thoughts are that topic.

In the meantime, have a great week.

Blessings.

Millie

Oh Dear! More Changes

One of the things we learn, hopefully in our early adult years, is that throughout life it is often necessary and important to make changes in our lives. There are a variety of reasons for this. The changes may inspire us, make us feel excited or give us a feeling of anticipation. These changes may also be a bit scary, filled with anxiety and/or “stop you dead in your tracks” frightening for an indefinite period. Again, this may happen for a variety of reasons.

Example of these changes include:

• Finishing high school, college and/or starting a job/career or changing careers,
• Going from being single to being married and often becoming parents,
• Retirement due to age or leaving your job due to a disability.
• Moving from one apartment to another, one city to another or even moving to another state.

I have gone through three of the above examples and they were not necessarily easy. I experienced a variety of emotions in each case. I made life adjustments as needed. Some adjustments took weeks and others took months to accept with support from family and friends. It is a great blessing to have people in my life who have been ready to support and encourage me.

The changes I am now having to deal with are due to memory issues that are related to aging and family medical history.

In the last three or so years I started to make minor changes to my daily routine and habits. I can see now that there will be more changes coming and I do not know how prepared I am for them. Truthfully, at this point, I am not even sure what these changes are.

I will admit that I feel a bit overwhelmed with uncertainty as well as nervous about the future.

I received a copy of my Neuropsychology evaluation results. I was surprised to see the number of areas noted in the results.

Overall, I found the results both scary and encouraging. Some results were positive to very positive while other results were just okay. Other results were not so good. Hence my feeling of concern and encouragement.

I met with my neurologist to review the results. There was mild cognitive impairment. Of course, memory issues were why I started going to the neurologist and why I am taking medication. The evaluation also confirmed that I was suffering from mild to moderate depression and PTSD.

We agreed that I would take medication for my depression and PTSD. I resisted this step for the past couple of years. After meeting with the Neuropsychologist and reviewing the results of the evaluation, I thought it a prudent step at this time.

My next step is to meet with my primary to review the recommendations made and get the necessary referrals. I am hoping to get a referral to a psychologist or neuropsychologist who can explain in simple plain language what is going on and what I can do to improve certain areas and slow down the deterioration in other areas.

Until my next post, be well and look for the positive in all things.

I was a caregiver for my dad for several years. He was a physically strong and healthy man for most of his life. He was not one of those people who would sit down and let the days just go idly by.

He would get up around 4 a.m., go collect cans and bottles, and return home after an hour or so. He would then make his breakfast, prepare coffee for me (I lived in the apartment next to him) and then leave for work. He was in his late 70’s when he started to show signs of memory loss. He also began to have heart health issues at around 80. After his triple bypass in his early 80’s his memory got progressively worse. I do not think I need to explain the challenges that come with caring for a parent with dementia or Alzheimer.

Dementia. Alzheimer. Frightening to contemplate but I had to consider it when I noticed there were signs that my memory was not what it used to be. Of course, memory issues are normal as we get older. But when I could not formulate my thoughts, when I was unable to do my journaling because even simple sentences were difficult, I knew I had to find out what was going on with me. I would read and was unable to retain what I read. I would lose my trend of thought.

I went to see a Neurologist. I had a few head injuries from falls and walking into poles when I was growing up and joked that the “bumps” must have rattled my brain. I had some tests done and was finally prescribed medication for my memory in late 2018.

I did notice my memory was not getting worse, which was a good thing. But I did notice a couple of things happening. I have a close relative that would come to me with questions or ask me to help explain something that required me to formulate sentences. It was not hard. It was simple for me to help in this way. I was encouraged by this observation. The other thing I noticed was something that had been quietly, unnoticeably happening. I was becoming increasingly withdrawn from socializing. This made me wonder if I was suffering from depression and did not realize.

A few months ago, during a follow up visit with the neurologist, I questioned if it was possible for me to have depression, not be aware of it and have it affect my memory. Yes, of course, it could. He gave me a referral to the Neuropsychologist for testing. I am currently waiting for those weeks. Hopefully, I will get the results by the end of the week.

I have for the past few weeks been researching and learning more about my emotions. I am excited about what I have learned so far. To date I have learned how little I know about emotions. So, I will go forward, risk being confused, frustrated, upset, even angry. I also know I will learn to understand and work with my emotions so that they benefit me and not hinder me.

I will share more about this in future posts.

I wrote the heading of this blog post several days ago. I sat down at my desk with my laptop in front of me ready to start typing. Then my mind started to get bombarded with questions that paralyzed me. Who am I that people would want to read what I write? What could I possibly share that would interest others? My life experiences are not unique so would they be of value to others?

Then I remembered two things.

First, I created this blog site to add purpose to my daily life. I am retired and no longer have a job after almost 55 years. Due to health issues, I am physically limited in what I can do. As a woman in her early 70’s, my memory is not what it used to be. My days were really spent watching television, napping and on social media. I eventually began to feel that I was numb most, if not all the time. Withdrawn from the outside world except when I visited with friends, family (in person or through Zoom) or Bible Study. But even when I participated in those activities there was always a part of me that was detached.

In other words, I was physically surviving (barely) but mentally and emotionally letting myself go.  I have been seeing a neurologist for my memory issues.  He referred me to a Neuropsychologist for testing for memory issues, depression, PTSD, etc. That took just over three hours. I am still waiting for the official results of all the tests.

My conversation with the neuropsychologist took approximately 45 minutes was one part of the evaluation.  At the end of that conversation, she shared that she suspected that part of my issue may be caused by “ennui” (boredom, no purpose), long-term moderate depression.

Well, that was quite an eye opener. I had not realized that after having helped raise a nephew, working for long hours, being a caregiver to a mother, sibling, and father and until their passing and having health issues myself, I would suddenly have nothing to do.

The second thing I remembered was that I wanted to have purpose again. For me that meant that I would have to find something I loved to do that would benefit others and find a way to share it. My answer was to create a blog where I can share my thoughts on a variety of things, my personal beliefs and how they helped – or hindered – me, how I looked at myself and the world around me and what I have experienced and what I learned from those experiences. In addition, I would share what I am currently learning, what resources I am using to improve my mental, emotional, spiritual health and, maybe, I will share some humorous stories from my past.

For now, that’s it. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

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