I participated in an online webinar on Civility in early October this year.
Civility appeared to me to be a behavior that most, if not all, people understood as the correct way to treat others.
As I pondered the idea of being civil to everyone, I realized that there was a process to attaining the ability to being authentically civil. Thanks to the creator of the webinar, Teresita Scully, the process was put into a presentation.
The presentation provided each process with a simple explanation. It was a sort of technical presentation with a spiritual undertone. After thinking about it I realized it was up to the listener to reflect on each process and how to understand the connection of each to civility. I did!
I reflected on the processes and wrote about them for my personal blog. My reflections are how I would be able to use the processes to become a more understanding, compassionate, and loving person to anyone who had different view. This was especially true to those individuals that had the ability to push my buttons. (Thank God they were only a few.)
The booklet attached has all the blog posts in one place. I did add to the booklet additional information at the end.
If there are any who are still struggling with civility, I hope these blog posts help provide some beneficial insights or suggestions on how to move forward for a more peaceful and harmonious 2025.
Circular shape of the wreath: no beginning, no end of God’s love; eternal love
In the earlier four parts of my blog on the Civility Webinar I took part in I wrote about my personal observations for each section presented by Teresita Scully.
When I first started this series, I did not realize I would finish the last part at the beginning of the Advent Season. But I think it’s a great time to bring the series to a close. (I may add a final epilogue to this after the Holiday Season in early January.)
Adventus, the Latin word for Advent, signifies a sense of coming or arrival. The origins of Advent can be traced back to before the 4th century. By the 4th century written evidence is found in modern Spain and Europe (Hispania and Gaul). (A bit of history: the earliest mention Advent practices came when the Council of Saragossa met {380 AD} to respond to the Priscillianism movement.)
We are in a time when a sense of darkness is prevalent in different ways. Politically, religiously, and culturally we are experiencing strife between families and friends. Advent is a time that many of us reflect on the birth of Christ. The fulfillment of the promise of a Messiah in the Old Testament predicted by the Jewish people. So, today, we celebrate it as a time of waiting for the Light to appear and we use candles to remind of that promise.
There are four candles lit during each Sunday of Advent. The first is Hope (Prophecy Candle), recalling the prophecies in the Old Testament). The second is Faith (Bethlehem Candle) recalling Mary and Jospeh’s journey to Bethlehem. The third is Joy (Shepherd’s Candle) recalling the joy we feel as we anticipate Jesus’ return. The final fourth is Love (Angel’s Candle) recall the angels’ announcement of Christ’s birth.
Why am I connecting civility with the Advent season? These are, again, my own personal insights after reflecting on the promise of the Messiah.
The candles of Advent, Hope, Faith, Joy and Peace should be pillars we use each day of this season (and every day after) for defining how we talk and act with each other.
In the Old Testament hope was one of the major themes of the prophets. It told of a time of peace for all nations. For me this means keeping a loving and respectful relationship with our family and friends.
Religious Jewish leaders and prophets reminded the people to keep their faith by recalling how God faithfully saw them through hard times in the past. This requires keep our faith strong through prayer, meditation, bible study, and connecting with member of your faith community.
Do you know that joy is mentioned 245 times in the Bible (NIV). It is different from happy. I see joy as an emotion that is a part of my heart and soul. Joy sustains me in times of pain and sorrow. It’s God’s gift to me that I can reach for to lift me up and bring peace and acceptance to my heart and mind. Happiness is an emotion that we feel due to outside circumstances and is temporary. (The same for sad. It’s brought on by a painful experience. Again, this is temporary).
Ahh, we come to the hardest of all, love. Actually no, love is not hard to give to anyone/everyone. Some equate loving with the idea that one has to accept a person’s misbehavior or lack of morals, characters, or values. For me love comes from the understanding that we are all children of God. God loves all of us, flaws and all. This does not mean that God accepts behavior that is a result of lack of morals, character, or values. These shortcomings come from the imperfect being that we are. It may be caused by family issues, medical issues or tragedies experienced early in life.
The reality is that there is no real excuse for not loving others. This is especially true if we love God and Jesus.
Now we come to validation. One of the definitions of validation is: “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or their opinions are valid or worthwhile.
When in conversation with anyone, remember that listening to them with an open heart is confirming them as individuals with to have own opinions. They too were given a free will by God to make their own choices in life. Again, you don’t have to agree with them; just honor their right to think individually. Remind yourself of this and being civil during any conversation will be easier and help keep a relationship.
The final section is understanding. There are two different definitions that I want to mention here. One is the noun “an informal or unspoken agreement or arrangement.” The other is the adjective: sympathetically aware of people’s feelings; tolerant and forgiving”
Both are proper for this time of the year. Relationships, in order to flourish, require each of us to treat the other as we want them to treat us. That means approaching each person in every situation with love in our hearts for them. To be generous, kind, compassionate, tolerant and forgiving. When the occasion calls for it, be humble and ask for forgiveness, release the anger, and my favorite, laugh at each other for being so stubborn. It may be one of gifts that you share with the other that allows you both to grow. (I am a firm believer that stubbornness is a negative stance when it causes harm.)
This final part, Validation and Understanding, are not the final steps in healing our relationships. These are just some steps that, hopefully, will lead you to taking the first step in reaching out to your estranged family and friends. YOU are the final step.
Will you trust in God, be humble and let His love be your strength to take that first step? I pray you do.
It is November 25th, just three days before Thanksgiving Day. I am hoping, whether you have read my previous posts, that many of you have taken the opportunity to lean into the meaning of Thanksgiving and have been reminiscing about past gatherings with family and/or friends on previous Thanksgiving Days.
Over the past 8-10 years many of us have allowed the political and religious rhetoric to become heated to the point that each one’s opinion became more important than personal relationships. The true meaning of family and friendship have become obscured or pushed aside because of our own stubbornness. Our need to be right at any cost seems to replace respect and generosity.
Family, as defined by the dictionary is, “a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit.” Of course, as the child/ren age, they will become independent and leave home. Yet they are still part of the “family.” Also, outside the immediate family unit, are aunts, uncles, and cousins that are part of the family.
Family is supportive of each other. They share a bond that is unique from all others. From early childhood we are exposed to family members. Shared moments included dinners, stories, laughter and, like most families I know, a little bickering. Family helps each other, when necessary, often without hesitation. Has any of this changed during the past 8-10 years? Think, reflect before answering this: do you miss those times when you got together and loved each other?
Think about this: when in the past have you seen all these family members agree on everything? Was there a time when family or friends had different views on your opinion or your actions? Did they push you away? After getting over the frustration or anger, were you able to come together accepting that each one saw things differently? Did you find a way to manage to enjoy your time with them? Or…was your love conditional?
We need to get back to those family and friends who encouraged, inspired, and supported us in the past. It is important to acknowledge that we each were given a free will by God to think, believe, and make choices that are our own.
Engagement
One part of the Civility Webinar deals with engagement.
One of the definitions of engagement (Merriam Webster) is “an arrangement to meet at or be present at a specific time and place.”
For family and friends this could be a birthday party, wedding, anniversary, or any of the holidays that are important to us. These shared moments are still in our hearts and memories. Today, this week, would be a perfect time to bring these memories to the surface. Allow the feelings and love infuse our heart with joy, compassion and understanding. Bask in the joy we felt when surrounded by so much love that was unconditional.
Thanksgiving, an action that became a special holiday, was conceived to bring together two diverse cultures: Native Americans (Wampanoag people) and the English Purist known as Pilgrims in 1621 during the harvest festival.
On October 3, 1789, President George Washington designated the last Thursday of November as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer. It was not consistently celebrated until President Abraham Lincoln officially established it in 1863 as a national tradition/holiday.
A little side note here. Notice that President Lincoln declared Thanksgiving a national holiday during the civil war. The political and religious differences were at a level that filled with violence. Brother against brother, parent against child. The rift must have seemed insurmountable. Yet, both Presidents Washington and Lincoln believed that a way to show gratitude for the blessings they had was to have a day of thanksgiving.
Eventually both the North and South states implemented the national holiday. I am sure, because of their mutual love, many of the family and friends’ separations healed over time. It is safe to say that Thanksgiving and Christmas were holidays that allowed people to begin the healing process. Now is the time for us to begin to heal our relationships.
Why not start today? If you are experiencing a rift between family and/or friends, reach out to them. It can be a simple text or card wishing them a Happy Thanksgiving and adding one or two sentences (e.g., “Been remembering past Thanksgiving gatherings when wonderful times were shared.”) Today, choose love to guide your next steps.
To Listen
This section of the Civility Webinar is titled, To Listen. “To” in this case is a proposition. The dictionary defines it as “approaching or reaching a particular condition.”
What better time than now to start moving towards rebuilding relationships.
It’s funny that as I am writing this, I am thinking about those friends, from my past that I have not been in contact with for years. Many of them I would not even know how to reach out to them. I think about them often. Friends from middle and high school or people who I worked with who became friends over time. I was fortunate to spend years in three different jobs (5 years, 26 and 18 years) where co-workers transitioned to friends.
If you are ready to reach out to your estranged family and friends, there are things to remember. Take the first step to reconnecting with them.
Start by allowing yourself to take the time to review your past with your family members. Begin with your teenage years and remember what it was like being with them. Did you share secrets? Did you argue about what shows to watch, what movie theatre to go to or did you agree to see different movies within the same theatre? How was it afterwards? Did you compare notes?
Now, recall the shared good times What about your young adult years? How did you celebrate special occasions with them? Birthdays, showers, weddings, or the birth of a child are occasions we all get to celebrate at some point. Where were the celebrations held? Did you gather at a club, a restaurant, or at someone’s home?
Close your eyes and recall some of those conversations, the atmosphere and especially the emotions during and after you finally arrived home.
There is much to be discouraged about modern technology, but there is so much to be grateful for as well. Begin the uncomplicated way to reach out to them to let them know you are remembering the happy times. This can be done via text or sending a card if calling them feels awkward at this moment. Include a specific time or event. With social media you also have the choice of reaching out to them via Messenger. Choose the option with which you are most comfortable.
Also keep your words about the memories you have shared with each other simple and authentic.
Wishing you all a have a healing and happy Thanksgiving Week.
As I have mentioned in my other posts, these are my thoughts, what I believe and what I have learned. In sharing, I hope to provide some a perspective in healing and growing.
In my last blog post, which was the day before election day, I wrote about taking the time to relax, breathe and discern. It was a week where emotions were all over the place. It is now just over a week since the Election Day, and I see comments on social media that many are now experiencing new emotions on top of the ones they had the previous weeks and months. So, I will refer to one or two suggestions from my first Civility blog post on October 16, 2024.
In early October after taking part in the Civility Webinar, I took time to do some prep work to find a way to a more authentic relationship with everyone. Not just family, friends, co-workers, etc. but with everyone I meet. I fell into the drama of the political environment and understood the effect it had on my emotional, spiritual, and mental state. I took specific steps to return to someone who looks at everyone as people who want the best for ourselves, our families/friends, community, and our country.
My recommendation is to stop seeing anyone who has a different view as an opponent or enemy because of religious/political. Unfortunately, that is where so many of us. We need to move toward healing, mending our strained relationships, bringing compassion and, if necessary, forgiveness to anyone we believe offended or hurt us. This requires generosity. mercy and support where needed.
“Mute” your family/friends and followers on social media that post comments that upset you. It is not necessarily beneficial to see those posts. It is their right to post them, but your choice can be to not see them.
A practice of mine has been to stay off social media (except for my morning greetings to all) on Sunday. I included Saturdays. I honestly recommend taking a day off social media and replenishing your mind and soul.
Now that I have provided a quick review of my first two posts, I will continue with Politeness and Respect.
I will begin with definitions that I found on google that felt right for this blog.
Politeness is outward behavior during personal interactions. It includes good manners and adhering to social conventions.
Respect acknowledges that you see others’ dignity and have a genuine interest in engaging others authentically.
A quote from Evelyn Hall says it all: “I disapprove of what you say. But I will defend it to the death your right to say it.” We all need to accept this as it applies to every one of us. I think one of the best ways to begin is avoid reaction while in that moment of “personal judgment emotion” that is reflective of your belief. Allow time to calm your thoughts and feelings. Remember what your relationship was and is with that individual.
I often reflect on my past with family and friends. A time when politics, religions and peer pressure had no influence on our relationship.
I have family members who have a completely different political view/opinion. They also have a different understanding of what it means to follow Christ. In fact, for most people, the type of differences in these two areas becomes a reason to break the sacredness of family that our parents taught us.
Honestly, I do not understand this. Both my parents did not agree on many things. There was one thing that no-one, ideology, or physical distance could come between them. They were there for each other. In good times, challenging times and when tragedy struck.
Do you know the best thing about that type of relationship? It was always full of love, generosity, and gratitude. That is what I carry with me.
I try to extend this lesson to those outside my family as well. This allows me to be more patient, kind and loving.
I can be polite with everyone I meet. I can respect them as individuals. I can love them as I see them as children of God and so we are spiritual siblings.
Now, I will insert here a bit of honesty. My close friends and family know that I have a sarcastic side to me. Over the years I cultivated that skill. It was my way of avoiding being rude with belittling or cuss words. Over the past 15 years or so I have learned to control that side of me. However, every now and then it does slip out. It has helped me to be more respectful of others.
Take time now to think about your relationships with family and friends. Now that the elections are over, how are they? Do you still feel anger, disappointment, frustration with any of them?
Take a moment now to breathe deeply and think about your past with them. Recall the wonderful times you spent with them. The times you were together, can you recall the love and joy you felt? Do you see periods in your past when you disagreed with them and still kept a great relationship with them?
Do you yearn for a time when your relationship with family and friends was easy going?
If so, work on healing the relationship. Take the time necessary to put a process in place that you are comfortable with and be patient. We have had years to reach the point we are currently at. Be loving and generous to yourself and others.
If not, take time with yourself to mend your heart and mind. To deal with the emotional roller coaster that has been part of the past few years. When you feel you are ready then you can move forward to healing your relationships.
I have a family member whose husband recently entered hospice care. Caring for a family with Alzheimer’s is extremely difficult and takes its toll physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The depth of the toll depends on how long the illness lasted and if there were other complications associated with it. Having experienced this as a caregiver for my dad, who was also my best friend, was beyond difficult. I am praying for her and her family.
I am writing about this because her mother, who lived in Florida, would welcome me with open arms and was gracious and generous with her time. She passed away a few years ago. I miss my Sunday calls with her. My cousin, as well, welcomed me and took me out a couple of times. I especially remember the time we went to the Keys and enjoyed a couple of drinks, sharing stories about our childhood. I am forever grateful for her kindness. I hope she knows how much I love her and her family.
Why am I sharing this?
We are family through my mother’s side of the family. There is a bond in our maternal family that is extremely strong, special and, I believe, unbreakable. I pray that all in the family feel the same.
Why am I mentioning this now?
As part of a family, all members, be it parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, cousins, we have opinions that often differ. This is true in my maternal and paternal family. It is how we individually manage the differences of opinions that defines how much we honor and respect others to have and express their opinion. I also firmly believe it defines if my love is conditional or unconditional.
I have learned that when anyone has a different opinion, especially if I start to get annoyed, to remind myself to step back for a moment or two. Give myself time to remember that loving is unconditional and that getting annoyed may be putting a condition to that love.
My loyalty comes from my faith. First is God. In sequential order it is this:
God
My parents. Whether they were great, good bad or terrible, I do believe the commandment to “honor” thy mother and father.
If married: children until they can care for themselves and then spouse.
Siblings: these are the people that shared your childhood and many, if not all, transgressions should be forgiven.
Grandparents, if you are fortunate enough to have. Precious wisdom can be gained from their stories.
Cousins. We must not forget our cousins. For those who were raised near aunts and uncles during our childhood (like I was in the 1960’s & 1970’s), many of our cousins became “adopted” siblings. That is how close we have become, even to this day.
Friends, especially those that have been a part of my life since the early days. Some friends will fall into the “family” category for many reasons.
If a particular religion/denomination expects me to distance myself from any of the above, I will not be a part of it. This goes for political parties, organizations, fraternities, social, private groups, etc.
Both in the Old and New Testament we will find verses that specifically mention welcoming and loving enemies. How could I put conditions on my love? No, not possible.
Well, these are my personal feelings and observations.
It’s Summer and flowers are blooming everywhere. Have a wonderful day and month!
Millie Padilla 