Tag: relationship

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Civility Part Five: Validation and Understanding – Advent Season & Christmas

Circular shape of the wreath: no beginning, no end of God’s love; eternal love

In the earlier four parts of my blog on the Civility Webinar I took part in I wrote about my personal observations for each section presented by Teresita Scully.

When I first started this series, I did not realize I would finish the last part at the beginning of the Advent Season. But I think it’s a great time to bring the series to a close. (I may add a final epilogue to this after the Holiday Season in early January.)

Adventus, the Latin word for Advent, signifies a sense of coming or arrival. The origins of Advent can be traced back to before the 4th century. By the 4th century written evidence is found in modern Spain and Europe (Hispania and Gaul). (A bit of history: the earliest mention Advent practices came when the Council of Saragossa met {380 AD} to respond to the Priscillianism movement.)

We are in a time when a sense of darkness is prevalent in different ways. Politically, religiously, and culturally we are experiencing strife between families and friends. Advent is a time that many of us reflect on the birth of Christ. The fulfillment of the promise of a Messiah in the Old Testament predicted by the Jewish people. So, today, we celebrate it as a time of waiting for the Light to appear and we use candles to remind of that promise.

There are four candles lit during each Sunday of Advent. The first is Hope (Prophecy Candle), recalling the prophecies in the Old Testament). The second is Faith (Bethlehem Candle) recalling Mary and Jospeh’s journey to Bethlehem. The third is Joy (Shepherd’s Candle) recalling the joy we feel as we anticipate Jesus’ return. The final fourth is Love (Angel’s Candle) recall the angels’ announcement of Christ’s birth.

Why am I connecting civility with the Advent season?  These are, again, my own personal insights after reflecting on the promise of the Messiah.

The candles of Advent, Hope, Faith, Joy and Peace should be pillars we use each day of this season (and every day after) for defining how we talk and act with each other.

  • In the Old Testament hope was one of the major themes of the prophets. It told of a time of peace for all nations. For me this means keeping a loving and respectful relationship with our family and friends.
  • Religious Jewish leaders and prophets reminded the people to keep their faith by recalling how God faithfully saw them through hard times in the past. This requires keep our faith strong through prayer, meditation, bible study, and connecting with member of your faith community.
  • Do you know that joy is mentioned 245 times in the Bible (NIV). It is different from happy.  I see joy as an emotion that is a part of my heart and soul. Joy sustains me in times of pain and sorrow. It’s God’s gift to me that I can reach for to lift me up and bring peace and acceptance to my heart and mind. Happiness is an emotion that we feel due to outside circumstances and is temporary. (The same for sad. It’s brought on by a painful experience. Again, this is temporary).
  • Ahh, we come to the hardest of all, love. Actually no, love is not hard to give to anyone/everyone. Some equate loving with the idea that one has to accept a person’s misbehavior or lack of morals, characters, or values. For me love comes from the understanding that we are all children of God. God loves all of us, flaws and all. This does not mean that God accepts behavior that is a result of lack of morals, character, or values. These shortcomings come from the imperfect being that we are. It may be caused by family issues, medical issues or tragedies experienced early in life.

The reality is that there is no real excuse for not loving others. This is especially true if we love God and Jesus.

Now we come to validation. One of the definitions of validation is: “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or their opinions are valid or worthwhile.

When in conversation with anyone, remember that listening to them with an open heart is confirming them as individuals with to have own opinions. They too were given a free will by God to make their own choices in life. Again, you don’t have to agree with them; just honor their right to think individually. Remind yourself of this and being civil during any conversation will be easier and help keep a relationship.

The final section is understanding. There are two different definitions that I want to mention here. One is the noun “an informal or unspoken agreement or arrangement.” The other is the adjective: sympathetically aware of people’s feelings; tolerant and forgiving”

Both are proper for this time of the year.  Relationships, in order to flourish, require each of us to treat the other as we want them to treat us. That means approaching each person in every situation with love in our hearts for them. To be generous, kind, compassionate, tolerant and forgiving. When the occasion calls for it, be humble and ask for forgiveness, release the anger, and my favorite, laugh at each other for being so stubborn. It may be one of gifts that you share with the other that allows you both to grow. (I am a firm believer that stubbornness is a negative stance when it causes harm.)

This final part, Validation and Understanding, are not the final steps in healing our relationships. These are just some steps that, hopefully, will lead you to taking the first step in reaching out to your estranged family and friends. YOU are the final step.

Will you trust in God, be humble and let His love be your strength to take that first step? I pray you do.

Have a blessed day.

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Civility: Part Three – Politeness and Respect

As I have mentioned in my other posts, these are my thoughts, what I believe and what I have learned. In sharing, I hope to provide some a perspective in healing and growing.

In my last blog post, which was the day before election day, I wrote about taking the time to relax, breathe and discern. It was a week where emotions were all over the place. It is now just over a week since the Election Day, and I see comments on social media that many are now experiencing new emotions on top of the ones they had the previous weeks and months. So, I will refer to one or two suggestions from my first Civility blog post on October 16, 2024.

In early October after taking part in the Civility Webinar, I took time to do some prep work to find a way to a more authentic relationship with everyone. Not just family, friends, co-workers, etc. but with everyone I meet. I fell into the drama of the political environment and understood the effect it had on my emotional, spiritual, and mental state. I took specific steps to return to someone who looks at everyone as people who want the best for ourselves, our families/friends, community, and our country.

My recommendation is to stop seeing anyone who has a different view as an opponent or enemy because of religious/political. Unfortunately, that is where so many of us. We need to move toward healing, mending our strained relationships, bringing compassion and, if necessary, forgiveness to anyone we believe offended or hurt us. This requires generosity. mercy and support where needed.

  1. “Mute” your family/friends and followers on social media that post comments that upset you. It is not necessarily beneficial to see those posts. It is their right to post them, but your choice can be to not see them.
  2. A practice of mine has been to stay off social media (except for my morning greetings to all) on Sunday. I included Saturdays. I honestly recommend taking a day off social media and replenishing your mind and soul.

Now that I have provided a quick review of my first two posts, I will continue with Politeness and Respect.

I will begin with definitions that I found on google that felt right for this blog.

Politeness is outward behavior during personal interactions. It includes good manners and adhering to social conventions.

Respect acknowledges that you see others’ dignity and have a genuine interest in engaging others authentically.

A quote from Evelyn Hall says it all: “I disapprove of what you say. But I will defend it to the death your right to say it.”  We all need to accept this as it applies to every one of us. I think one of the best ways to begin is avoid reaction while in that moment of “personal judgment emotion” that is reflective of your belief. Allow time to calm your thoughts and feelings. Remember what your relationship was and is with that individual.

I often reflect on my past with family and friends. A time when politics, religions and peer pressure had no influence on our relationship.

I have family members who have a completely different political view/opinion. They also have a different understanding of what it means to follow Christ. In fact, for most people, the type of differences in these two areas becomes a reason to break the sacredness of family that our parents taught us.

Honestly, I do not understand this. Both my parents did not agree on many things. There was one thing that no-one, ideology, or physical distance could come between them. They were there for each other. In good times, challenging times and when tragedy struck.

Do you know the best thing about that type of relationship? It was always full of love, generosity, and gratitude. That is what I carry with me.

I try to extend this lesson to those outside my family as well.  This allows me to be more patient, kind and loving.

I can be polite with everyone I meet. I can respect them as individuals. I can love them as I see them as children of God and so we are spiritual siblings.

Now, I will insert here a bit of honesty. My close friends and family know that I have a sarcastic side to me. Over the years I cultivated that skill. It was my way of avoiding being rude with belittling or cuss words. Over the past 15 years or so I have learned to control that side of me. However, every now and then it does slip out. It has helped me to be more respectful of others.

Take time now to think about your relationships with family and friends. Now that the elections are over, how are they? Do you still feel anger, disappointment, frustration with any of them?

Take a moment now to breathe deeply and think about your past with them. Recall the wonderful times you spent with them. The times you were together, can you recall the love and joy you felt? Do you see periods in your past when you disagreed with them and still kept a great relationship with them?

Do you yearn for a time when your relationship with family and friends was easy going?

If so, work on healing the relationship. Take the time necessary to put a process in place that you are comfortable with and be patient. We have had years to reach the point we are currently at. Be loving and generous to yourself and others.

If not, take time with yourself to mend your heart and mind. To deal with the emotional roller coaster that has been part of the past few years. When you feel you are ready then you can move forward to healing your relationships.

Have a blessed day.

Click here to view the Civility Webinar